Please pray with us.
Friends, I have some heavy news to share and I covet your prayers for my family and me.
Yesterday, I learned that I have a large tumor in my chest. It is located toward the front of my chest cavity. My doctor said it seems to be either related to a lymph node or my thymus gland, but that’s just based on looking at an image, and we won’t know more until follow-up tests are done.
For some background, over the last few months I’ve been having some seemingly minor health issues – discomfort breathing deeply, chest pressure, a persistent mild cough, and slight difficulty swallowing. Each of these have ebbed and flowed, and rarely ever were significant or uncomfortable enough to warrant immediate attention.
I brought these up to my doctor at my annual physical in June. We pursued some treatment options, which did not seem to have any noticeable effect. With the symptoms persisting (albeit mildly) I went in for a follow-up on Thursday evening.
My doctor order several tests, including a chest x-ray to see if we could identify any issues. 15 minutes later, on my drive home, my doctor’s office called saying there was some kind of mass in my chest and I needed to schedule a follow-up CAT scan to determine where exactly it was 3-dimensionally and whether it appeared solid (tumor) or liquid (infection). I went in for the CAT scan the next morning (yesterday) and by noon, my doctor called saying it was in fact a tumor, about 6 inches by 3 inches. For perspective, that’s slightly larger than a dollar bill.
From here, I will have an appointment with a thoracic specialist, who will oversee further tests to determine what exactly this tumor is – including where it originated, whether it is cancerous or benign, and (if cancerous) how advanced.
We are obviously pretty shocked. All of this has taken place within the last 2 days. I went in on Thursday expecting we might find I had some kind of lingering bronchitis or something. Instead, within 20 hours I found out I have a large tumor and might have cancer. The last 36 hours have been spent grieving, wondering, praying, worrying, and girding ourselves for whatever lies ahead. Right now, we’re trying to focus on Tuesday, knowing that anything between now and then is speculation, and after that, we’ll have a better sense of what lies before us. As many of you know, Kristen and I have both very personal encounters with cancer in our family. Her mom had breast cancer twice when Kristen was little. At 50, my dad passed away from stomach cancer when I was 22. (His birthday was actually Thursday, when the mass was first discovered.) I wouldn’t say that I have believed something similar was an inevitability. At the same time, our experiences certainly have given us a realistic perspective that nothing is certain and each day is a gift.
To the best of our ability, we have tried to talk honestly with the kids about what is going on in a way that is age appropriate. They know that daddy has a sickness in his chest and that we might have a lot of doctor’s appointments to discover how to get it out. We haven’t communicated the gravity of the situation, though – partly to be sensitive to their needs and partly because we don’t have answers ourselves yet and don’t want to unduly worry them. Samuel (our more heady eldest) has asked lots of questions, but hasn’t shown many signs of worry. Elijah (and even Ruthlyn), can tell there’s something more serious than normal going on and have been more snuggly than usual (which is saying something), though they are also still mostly their fun-loving selves, which is a welcome joy right now.
We feel blessed to be in a city with some of the best medical care in the world. I am also so grateful for Kristen. She is obviously scared about the future and saddened by this twist. But she’s also strong and resolute, and will fight with me through whatever comes our way. I could not ask for a better teammate to go to battle with.
More than that, we believe in a God who heals. A God who LOVES us and has promised GOOD for us and for our kids. We have a God who has suffered heartache and pain – and who suffers with us. Our hope and faith is in him, not just physicians, probabilities, and procedures. We have both wrestled a lot in our faith. Both of us had dark nights and at times felt lost in the wilderness. But even as I thought about it yesterday, I told Kristen: I can’t say my faith has never wavered. But here’s what I can say: despite all I’ve experienced, and times that I’ve run, despite a nearly palpable aura of cynicism that often pervades Boston, I have never been able to convince myself that there is no God. I have never been able to convince myself that he didn’t create us out of love. I’ve never been able to convince myself that there wasn’t a man named Jesus whose birth was miraculous, who lived, died, and rose again. I’ve never been able to convince myself that that doesn’t change everything. And I’ve never been able to convince myself that I am not loved by this God.
You must be pretty committed if you’ve made it this far, so here’s how we’d ask you to pray:
Pray that we would receive the best possible news on Tuesday.
Pray that we would be strengthened for whatever lies ahead.
Pray that whatever lies ahead, I would have many years and decades to be with Kristen and the boys and witness to God’s love and goodness.
Pray for our kids, that we would know how to appropriately talk about this with them and that they would not be afraid.
Pray for Kristen, that she can process and feel as she needs to, but not give in to worry or despair.
Pray for me, that I would know how to process, as I’m typically not as good at processing my own thoughts and feelings as I am at empathizing with others.
And pray that through this, we would come closer to each other and to God, and trust even more deeply in his goodness and love.
I’m sure many of you will wonder if there are things you can do to help, whether you’re local or afar. As I said before, at this point, we are waiting until Tuesday to better understand what’s ahead, and so at some point after that, if we have tangible needs, we will let you know how you come along side us in addition to praying with us.
I’m thankful for each of you and truly believe we’ll be filled with joy as we walk the road before us and see what God does.
